Sunday, March 14, 2010

the fairy tale initiative

I've put together a theory: all great adventures, begin with one even greater tumble.

From what I can tell, the general plot line for any tale actually begins once the protagonist has plummeted, in some way, to presumably impending doom. Immediately following this fall comes a sense of isolated confusion. Most people around the clumsy character seem to understand fully the world around them while reacting to him/her as if he/she is actually just insane. After an intense search for any sort of normalcy, the protagonist somehow stumbles upon one person who either believes the babble or at least feels the need to help. This could be a motherly/fatherly figure, an old friend or - my favorite scenario - the soul mate. Usually the character ends up settling into the lifestyle of whatever they have fallen into so well that he/she decides it is where they should stay. Sometimes it's a way to see how his/her life should really be spent. Regardless of the outcome, it almost always leads to the glorious "happily ever after."

Am I exaggerating the amount of stories that begin with such a goofy special effect as someone spinning around in a watery, glittery substance until he/she crashes into a new reality? Probably. However, here are a few.

17 Again
Kate & Leopold
The Santa Clause
It's a Wonderful Life
The Pagemaster (didn't really fall into anything, but close enough)
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
A Kid in King Arthur's Court
Peggy Sue Got Married (again, she only fainted, but she fell)
The Land of the Lost
Alice in Wonderland

OK I know there are more. But I've exhausted my current knowledge of them.

The point is, I think I'm going to start looking for swirly water and mysterious rabbit holes.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.--MM

There's no one better to look at than Marilyn Monroe. That's not to say she's the most beautiful woman in the world (even though she is). It's not because she had the best clothes. It's not because her hair was always perfect even when it wasn't. And it's not because her smile was/is contagious. It's just because.
I've wanted to be everything: an actress, a singer, a teacher, a writer, an events planner, a cop, a lawyer, a chef. When I was a little girl I thought about how I might look on stage as Juliet Capulet or which Cyndi Lauper song I would cover on my debut album. I used to sit and think about all the ways I could make a songs words flow better, or make a story sound less redundant. I wondered how I could prove that the bad guy wasn't who they thought it was or how I would decorate Britney and Justin's wedding cake. I loved how my handwriting looked on the whiteboard and how much fun it was to plan parties and sleepovers.
I've never really tried very hard to be any of those things, though. Sure I chose certain majors, auditioned for plays and toured culinary schools. But never really solidified a specific goal.
Today I decided that's OK. Today I decided all I really want to be is fabulous. No matter what I chose to DO, that doesn't make me who I AM.
And I think I'll do that while wearing my Chanel No. 5 just like Marilyn did.

Monday, March 1, 2010

nostalgia isn't what it used to be

Recently, I've noticed the pop-culture scene is revolving around what once was. I am known by many as an incredibly nostalgic person - so much so, that I'm often teased for it. All I want out of life is to grow up and build a my kids a tree house and watch 80s era Sesame Street episodes on VHS. I love drinking diet coke from glass bottles. I wish Macintosh still used the rainbow striped apple emblem. More than half of the buttons on my car radio are programmed to oldies or classic rock stations. I believe that, as a true and deserved accolade, any group that uses an auto-tuner should cover at least one Cher song. All it takes is one well fabricated montage to transform me into a babbling mess.
That being said, there are times when celebrity induced nostalgia has failed. It has failed us all. This first came to my realization at the onset of Eddie Murphy's fetish with remaking classic films. I don't know what gave this goofy sketch actor (regardless of how talented he is outside of these atrocities) the idea that he could take on such iconic roles played by people as great as Rex Harrison and Jerry Lewis. Not to mention casting himself as twenty different characters in each cinematic snafu. I won't even start on my stance against Janet Jackson ever opening her mouth to do anything but whisper horribly written song lyrics.
Next on the list of things ruined by our need to capture the past inside a mason jar and kill it slowly is the explosion of superfluous sequels. First to the stand is The Land Before Time. We all know how Little Foot made our hearts flutter looking for the Great Valley and collecting tree stars. However, it has been ruined, and we all know it. There is a time to quit and that time was... right after the first one (1988). Now, as much as we all adore hearing "why did it have to be snakes?" grumbled by the sexy salt-n-peppered Harrison Ford, it's a fact that the latest Indian Jones was most likely a mistake. Although, I am guilty of drooling all over myself just watching Shia Lebouf in all his Jewish glory. Also, there are too many Saw movies. There's nothing more to say about that one. The amount of American Pie related movies we've had to endure post wedding is just nauseating. Oh and Bring it On. OH and The Cutting Edge.
Then there is the ever famous "comeback" that pop artists think they can make. Britney Spears, New Kids on the Block, Whitney (sorry Andrea), CREED?!?!? Those are all things that make me go "NO NO."
Even the mid-20th century author with liberal intentions, Jack Kerouac has created a flock of faux beatniks. These are the people who think they are more at one with the Earth because they smoke everything that grows from it. They're the ones that buy berets from thrift stores and actually aspire to sleep on friends' couches for the rest of their lives. This is OK because they are connecting with a past generation. Except, guess what, it's not OK. In fact, these are probably the most annoying people I have to interact with.
Rant over.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

messengers send messages...?

There once was a girl who loved words. She loved words so much that she used them all the time. She said them. She wrote them. She sang them. The only thing she didn't do was make them up. Some people think they can make words up. Examples of such made-up words are as follows: supposably, expecially, anyways, anything that has the prefix of "shiz."

The girl who loved words did not love these people. But she chose to tolerate them anyway.

Sometimes people thought she was silly for loving words. They said things like, "Those words will never love you back." This only made the girl laugh because it was untrue. Words were the only thing that loved her back in the same way she loved them. It was, in fact, the greatest give-and-take relationship she had ever been in.

So, she decided to love them forever. They remain in love and plan on living a long and happy life.